At about 2 a.m. one night last week, I woke up to see my 7-year-old son standing next to my bed. “I had a nightmare,” he told me. “Can I sleep in your bed?”
I briefly considered taking him back to his room, but I was too exhausted; I had already been up late changing sheets after my 6-year-old daughter threw up in in her bed. So I just made space for Jacob and fell back asleep. It’s such a rare occurrence these days that he wakes up in the middle of the night, so I didn’t make a big deal out of it.
The next morning I asked him what the nightmare was about. He said, “Emma and I were doing a craft and we messed up and we had no more blue paper.”
His response struck me for multiple reasons. Grateful that his nightmare hadn’t been something actually disturbing, I sent up a quick prayer that his childhood innocence would last as long as possible. Part of me was happy that as a parent, I’ve been able to create a safe haven environment for him to grow up in, one in which even his bad dreams aren’t really that bad. But part of me also acknowledged that there are many types of nightmares in this world that parents have no control over, no matter what they do.
My heart grieved for the parents of students in Uvalde, Texas and too many other towns where gun violence has destroyed children’s lives. I thought about parents in the Ukraine, trying to shield their children from the effects of war. I recalled the recent earthquake in Turkey that claimed tens of thousands of lives. How do you even begin to parent in situations like these?
What about the child who loses a sibling to cancer or a parent to a sudden car accident? The child who is bullied relentlessly at school and online? The child who is exposed too early to inappropriate media by an older cousin, or abused by an adult they should be able to trust? I might have been lucky enough to prevent my own children from facing situations like these so far, but it feels like only a matter of time before they encounter something in this world that causes them real suffering and nightmares. The thought of it is so scary and leaves me feeling a little bit helpless.
What can I do? I just have to keep doing my best because I don’t have any other choice. It’s also when I have fears like these that I start to lean heavily on my faith. I remind myself to pray about it instead of worry about it, and that act alone can leave me feeling that much more empowered. I remember that no matter what happens in this world, the souls of my children and I are forever intertwined through love.
Jacob’s mention of “blue paper” in his dream made me think of Mary, the mother of Jesus, who is often associated with the color blue. I can sometimes be a bit of a hot mess mom – someone who doesn’t feel like doing all of the million mundane tasks involved with mothering, someone who loses their temper more than I would like. I look at Mary as an example of the type of mom I strive to be – someone who is gentle and patient and strong in the face of adversity. Someone who trusts in a bigger picture and is unshaken in her faith no matter what happens.
On this Feast of St. Joseph – usually celebrated on March 19th, but transferred to March 20th this year since the 19th fell on a Sunday – I think of the foster father of Jesus too, on his role as protector of the Holy Family. How he was quiet and humble and worked hard, how he escaped with Mary and Jesus to Egypt when Herod aimed to kill all baby boys under the age of two. St. Joseph was a hero in his own right, and I’m fortunate enough to co-parent with a husband who shares many qualities with Joseph. I know not every mother has that.
Here’s the thing though. I know I can only shelter my children so much. If they never face any hardship or trials in this world, they won’t be ready when real suffering does come – which it inevitably will. I want to keep my children cuddled up close to me forever, but I don’t want them to be too soft and unprepared either. Parenting is a hard balance of protecting and letting go, of letting kids sleep in your bed and being honest about real nightmares when they come. On this St. Joseph’s Day, I pray for all parents and their children as they face this hard and scary and beautiful world together.