Back in December, one of my former teens contacted me. We’ve kept in touch over the years. He’s finishing up college, married another former teen of mine, and had their first baby this past spring. When he contacted me he was filled with questions. He said he had never really struggled with his faith. It was easy to live his faith because he grew up in a faith filled family, was active in the church, and never really had any challenges to it.

But now, he has a friend who is deconstructing the Baptist beliefs he grew up in. For those who may not be in the know on what deconstructing one’s faith is it means this: it’s what someone does when a person of faith starts questioning the beliefs they were taught which could lead to the dismantling and rejection of said beliefs. In some instances it has helped strengthen one’s faith. That makes sense. Taking the time to look back on and study beliefs you’ve been taught and hold true and hold a tuning fork to them or a thermometer to see if they ring true. Is there a consistency through it all from what is taught form the pulpit, Sunday school, the bible, and other important writings of your branch.

But for some, deconstruction leads to what was mentioned before, a dismantling of one’s previous beliefs. This dismantling has many causes. It could be someone rejecting fear, shame, guilt-based teachings. It could be due to harmful teachings that have lead people to believe they are bad, unworthy of love, they deserve the bad that has happened to them, etc. It could be as simple as someone decided what they grew up with simply doesn’t line up with their lived experience. The reasons I’m sure are number by the people deconstructing.

His friend is on this journey of deconstruction and has shared some questions he now has about what he’s been taught. And he’s doing the work. He’s doing the research. He’s also asking those same questions that have been asked throughout the ages that his branch of faith has not been able to answer satisfactorily for him. So when he called, we broached some of those questions: Why do bad things happen to good people? Is the bible reliable? How do we know we have the truth? Does everyone not Christian go to hell?, etc. When we ended the 2 hour long conversation we said we’d try and talk regularly. Well Christmas came, New Years came, and life continued.

Fast-forward to March and he wanted to connect again. But, before we got on Zoom he asked me to read some lyrics from a fairly new rapper named Dax. The lyrics I read were from his song “Dear God”. Before reading it he gave me the cute warning all young people give their youth minister when they are talking about something that may be offensive or bad language in it, “Just so you know, it has some curse words in it.” Oh my virgin ears!

What proceeded in the lyrics of the song “Dear God” is a deep yearning for understanding and truth. The hurt from lack of answers and negative examples of bad behavior of people of faith is palpitating. These negative examples have created a lack of trust to where Dax is pleading for the answers to come straight from Him, straight from God.  Dear God/ There's a lot of questions that I have about the past (can you hear me?)/ And I don't want hear it from a human you mad/ So you're the last person that I'm ever gonna ask.

My immediate reaction to the song and to my former teen is that this is a psalm. I love it! These lyrics are the answers I was always trying to get out of teens in small groups. I knew they had questions. I knew they had doubts and disagreements. And Dax unloads them all here. This song is a prayer, an honest prayer.

This song reminds me of the Psalms that are asking where God is. Psalms where God seems distant: How long, Lord? Will you utterly forget me? How long will you hide your face form me? How long must I carry sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart day after day? How long will my enemy triumph over me? – Psalm 13

What is interesting is that he starts off clarifying some things in the beginning, I just want to make this clear/I am a believer/But sometimes it gets hard/My name is Dax. There’s an attitude that get’s pushed on people that you shouldn’t have doubts, you shouldn’t question. First off, that’s not true. If you have questions you should ask. That’s how learning happens. But also, if you don’t get answers from the source, you’ll go search for those answers elsewhere.

When it comes to any ministry I think the big mistake that people make is that all the people in the room, in the program, are on the same page with belief, understanding, devotion, etc. If the church is supposed to be a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints, then we all have different typs of wounds. We have different pasts, struggles, hurts. And all of those, along with our questions should be welcome. You can’t move forward if you live in denial, or don’t get your questions answered, or you’re told that to question, to ask questions, is sinful.

We have to be able to welcome these pleas. At some point, everyone has a question, a desire, and plea. I know 2020-2021 has been filled with them. I think St. Pio’s quote, “Pray, hope, and don’t worry,” get’s abused. If you’ve read anything about him, read any of his letters, or prayed any of his prayers you know he worried. He feared. From his after communion prayer: Stay with me, Jesus, for it is getting late, and the day is coming to a close, and life passes, death, judgment, eternity approach. It is necessary to renew my strength, so that I will not stop along the way and for that, I need You. It is getting late and death approaches. I fear the darkness, the temptations, the dryness, the cross, the sorrows. O how I need you, my Jesus, in this night of exile.

Throughout this entire prayer St. Pio is pleading with Jesus for Jesus to stay with him, almost giving Jesus an ultimatum: Stay with me Lord, if you wish me to be faithful to you. He’s almost saying Hey Jesus, if you want me, hold up your end.

Each of us will have someone in our life with questions: a family member, a spouse, a child, a friend, etc. We need to be able to find the good in the fact that in the moment we are the trusted person they come to. We need to find the good in their act of searching. And we need to be able to meet them where they are and journey with them. There is no guarantee that giving them the scripture quotes and the catechism paragraphs they will then ascent, turn over a new leaf, etc. But, having a safe place or person to go to is a good start to a journey.

Dear God

By: Dax

I just want to make this clear
I am a believer
But sometimes it gets hard
My name is Dax
(Dear God)

Dear God
There's a lot of questions that I have about the past (can you hear me?)
And I don't want hear it from a human you made
So you're the last person that I'm ever gonna ask
Tell me what's real, tell me what's fake
Why is everything about you a debate? (Why?)
What's the point of love?
Every time I've showed it
I was broken and it's forced me just to only wanna hate
Why's there only one you but multiple religions? (Why?)
Why does every conversation end in a division? (Why?)
Why does everybody want to tell us how to live
But they won't listen to the same damn message that they giving? (F**k them)
Tell me how to feel, tell me what's wrong
I tried to call, pick up the phone (pick up), I'm on my own
Everybody says you coming back
Then man why the hell's it taking so long?
Why do I hurt? (Why?)
Why is there pain?
Why does everything good always have to change? (Why?)
Why does everybody try to profit off another man's work
Then destroy it just for monetary gain? (F**k them)
Tell me are you black or are you white?
I don't even really care I just really want to know what's right
They been saying one thing but I've been looking in the book
And it seems like they've been lying for my whole damn life
Tell me where I'm going (where?)
Is it heaven or hell?
I just hope this message greats you well
I had a dream that I was walking with the devil
Don't remember how it feels but I swear that I remember the smell
Looked me right into my eyes and told me everything I wanted
Could be mine if I gave up and decided to sell
But I said I'd rather die then get mine now I'm here
No fear one man with a story to tell

Dear God, where were you when I needed it?
When I fucked up and repeated it?
When they set the bar and I exceeded it? (Where were you?)
My life is like a book that they've been judging by a cover
But have never took the time to fucking read the shit (f**k 'em)
I remember telling you my goals and my dreams
But you didn't even answer so I guess you didn't believe in it
I remember sitting with a gun to my head trying to ask
You for some help but I guess you didn't believe in it!
I don't want religion I need that spirituality
I don't want a church I need people to call a family
I don't wanna tell my sins to another sinner just
Because he's got a robe and he went to some academy
I don't wanna read it in a book, I wanna hear it from you
Don't wanna learn it in a school because they're hiding the truth
Don't wanna talk about it to another f**king human being
And that's only reason that I even stepped in this booth

Dear God
How do I take this darkness and turn it into light?
How do believe in a concept where I speak to a man
I've never seen with my own two eyes?
How do I know that religion wasn't made
Just to separate the world and create a whole disguise
Just to keep us in these chains while the rich get richer
And the poor pray to you and perpetuate a lie?
How do I know this ain't some big joke? (How?)
How can I have faith when there is no hope? (How?)
How the hell does one man have a hundred billion dollars
And we still have people on the street that are broke?
There's a lot of things I wanna talk about and get off my chest
I can't sleep 'cause the devil won't let me rest
I used to know a f**king pastor in a church
And I can still hear the screams of the kids he would fucking molest

Dear God, do you hear me? (Do you hear me?)
I'm supposed to fear you but you ain't said sh*t
So maybe it's you who actually fears me?
I don't know the answer I just want to see it clearly
So many lies there's a thousand different theories
All I want to know is who really made religion
Because I know it wasn't you but don't nobody believes me
No more lies, no more death
Bring back King, bring back X
Please dear God let their souls rest
Protect who's left and watch their steps

Dear God
I don't want to have to ask you again
I just hope that you know that I'm still a believer
So I'll end this all by saying, "Amen"
It's Dax