Writing this blog was, to put it lightly, brutal. At one point, I was writing at least three different drafts - on VERY different topics - but none of them grew to be longer than about a page. So I’m going to try something a little different here. A big chunk of this post is going to be about writing this post (post-ception, anybody?) and the lessons and revelations I encountered throughout the process.

My first attempts at writing this article were pretty awful. My ideas weren’t well thought out; I was trying to write a whole blog off one sentence of inspiration - and then that inspiration left me high and dry. The structure and flow weren’t planned out. My job took most of my time. I didn’t put anywhere near enough prayer and work into my preparation. God knows I spent enough of my free time reading books or scrolling Instagram, so this was a very self-inflicted problem. That’s Lesson #1 right there - it’s pretty irresponsible to wait til the last minute and just expect the Holy Spirit to drop 900 words of quality content into my lap. 

So I did what any frustrated Catholic writer would do...I went to Mass the night before my deadline, carrying my pent up irritation with me and offering it to the Father. And the Spirit prompted my heart to wrestle with two questions: “Who are you trying to be?” and “Who are you trying to write for?” As I reflected on these things, I realized why I was so frustrated and disappointed with my first couple of efforts. I wanted my writing to be as eloquent at Bishop Barron, as down to Earth as Emily Wilson, and as theologically rich as Father Mike Schmitz. To some extent, that was my perfectionism rearing its annoying head. But as I continued to pull this thread, I realized there was an even deeper disordered desire that was holding me back. 

The last couple of years have seen a significant rise in the number of what I’ll call “Catholic Influencers.” These (very well intentioned!) personalities do everything from speaking ministries to faith Q-and-A sessions to lifestyle blogging, and many have grown really big followings. Like most folks, I’ve found myself spending a LOT more time on social media in the last year, as so much of my day and my interactions with others have gone virtual. And with all this time on social media, I started following more of these accounts and reading through comment sections. At the same time, a lot of these “Catholic Influencers” started to put out content that wasn’t sitting well with me. It wasn’t pushing me to meet Jesus on social media. I got frustrated by their politics and their hot takes, I was disillusioned by the pushes to “Take my class to become a better person!” and I started to question how people could boil down the Church to an aesthetic Instagram page and a daily post. Then I realized - these individuals don’t represent the Church anymore than you or I.

I want to be clear: this is NOT to say that there aren’t hundreds and hundreds of incredible, faithful, and inspirational figures out there on social media. I continue to be inspired and pushed by many accounts that I follow. I wanted my writing to be like Bishop Barron or Emily Wilson because they have helped reveal the depth of my faith to me in a way that I hope to be able to do for others. But I also realized that sometimes I unintentionally strive to model my life after the example of someone on social media and not after the example of Jesus. On top of that, other accounts just left me angry or hurt or annoyed - which definitely doesn’t help my outlook or my pursuit of the Father. Last summer, I went through a purge and unfollowed a TON of accounts that weren’t calling me higher, Catholic and non-Catholic alike. I can’t begin to tell you how good that felt. 

So, what does this all have to do with this blog post? Well, in writing my first couple of drafts, I realized I was slipping back into that desire to “influence,” to perfectly craft a sentence that would make people say “wow, Stephen really knows his stuff!” or “wow, Stephen’s so holy!” Not only does that approach leave me disappointed, but it’s a dangerous goal to shoot for. The moment my work starts to become about garnering a certain response, it absolutely stops being about sharing my experiences with the person of Jesus and the movements of the Spirit in my life. And at that point, it’s not worth much. 

At this point, I should acknowledge something: yes, I know it’s ironic that I’m using this particular space in Catholic media to share the ways Catholic media has turned me off or been an obstacle in my prayer life. We’re just going to roll with it. 

Now, if this blog doesn’t have some big seminal message, then what’s the point? Well, it’s not for me to tell you what to take away from this post, or anything else for that matter. Maybe it’s a warning for people in the Church to avoid cults of personality at the expense of knowing the heart of Jesus. Maybe it’s encouragement that you’re not alone in feeling put off by today’s influencer culture, or that it’s ok to unfollow accounts that don’t personally build you up. Maybe it’s just a reminder to orient your work back to the Father - AMDG my friends. 

Whatever you may get out of reading about my own experiences and struggles, know that you are called to pursue YOUR faith in the ways that the Father calls YOU. And like this last minute writing effort, I pray that the Spirit surprises you in new and beautiful ways.