I’ve been reflecting a lot about “conversations” lately. Maybe you have too? There are many heavy, important topics to address and discuss with each other. However, I’ve witnessed conversations in person and online turn into hurtful arguments. Points and perspectives are lost with many speaking over and past one another. Rifts begin and become larger between strangers, friends, and family. Some conversations are left with both people thinking that the other person is beyond help. Opportunities for connection and healing turn into encounters of dismissal and division. These days, we are thanking people for the rare productive and respectful dialogues; maybe those should be the norm. It makes me wonder what our approaches and goals should be in conversations. What are we missing?
As Christians, we cannot lose focus on what should be at the center of our interactions. The heart of conversations should be based on the heart of God. Out of His perfect love, God created each person in His own image and likeness. This is the foundation that our convictions of faith are rooted in. As His children, we are equally endowed with rational souls and have the same nature and the same origin (CCC 1934). Our faith teaches us that there is no exception to seeing every person as “another self” (CCC 1931). His commandment of love extends to all. We are called to make ourselves neighbors and actively serve others, even those who think or act differently than we do (CCC 1933). This does not mean staying silent or passive about sins and injustices in the world. It means that, in speaking up, we must act from a foundation of love and concern for another’s dignity. To lovingly fight for the other person’s soul by journeying with them, so that together we are able to reach the fullness of truth and freedom that is found in Christ.
As Christians, we are called to move differently throughout this world. In the way that Christ loves us, we are called to love one another in a radical and life-giving way. If we enter into a conversation that fails to acknowledge or respect the dignity of the other person, then we are perpetuating a culture that believes one’s value is negotiable and circumstantial. We belong to each other and are responsible for upholding one another’s dignity as we pursue truth together.
So here’s the question...How do we have conversations that promote the dignity of the other person?
Because of my education and work experience, concepts of therapeutic communication come to mind. I worked for a non-profit that focused on care that restores the dignity of every woman through comprehensive care that involves mind, body, and spirit. Therapeutic communication is an aspect of that mission which centers on exchanges that prioritize the other’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It’s amazing the transformation that can happen when someone feels safe and cared for. Not only are these tools helpful in a professional setting, but can be adapted for everyday conversations. They are strategies that promote healthy, effective communication and establish trust. They also facilitate a way for us to understand other’s wounds or walls. Without that understanding, we can unintentionally cause more pain and push someone further away. If someone feels loved and respected, truth can more easily enter into the conversation and be planted in one’s heart.
Active Listening
One of my favorite quotes from Fred Rogers is that “Love begins with listening.” The quality or productiveness of conversations often hinges on the openness to listen to each other. People are complex. The way we perceive and interact with the world is an accumulation of our family histories, personalities, injustices, education, culture, and more. We have to be careful not to generalize and assume that we know everything about the other person. True listening focuses on another, not ourselves. We actively choose to put aside our defenses and arguments for a moment. When someone is speaking, we refrain from being consumed about presenting our next statistic, fact, or point. We fight the urge to interrupt. Instead, we choose to remain present to someone’s wounds, knowledge, desires, and searching. We respect their dignity by showing that they are worthy of being heard and that we care about what they have to say. When we listen with the intention to understand, it leads us to clarity about where truth needs to be sought and spoken to. It also tells us how we can more effectively bring each other closer to Christ.
Recognition
It is important to have moments of recognition with listening. Take a moment to acknowledge what someone is saying or feeling. For example, if someone told you about an experience within the Church that hurt them. Don’t just immediately jump into alternative experiences people have had or throw fifty Bible verses at them. Take a moment to recognize that hurt. Let them know that they are seen. Say: “Thank you for sharing that with me. I hear your hurt, and I’m sorry that caused you pain. I want to understand how that affected you.” You’d be surprised how moments of recognition can greatly open up a conversation, as it lets a person know that they can trust that you care.
Clarification and Open-ended Questions
Misunderstandings can make us more prone to irritation, impatience, or judgment. They can also divert a discussion in a totally different, irrelevant direction. Before jumping to a conclusion or thinking that you have a perfect understanding, take the time to clarify a point or by summarizing their point back to them. After someone finishes speaking, ask “When you used this specific word or term, this is how I understood it. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page with its meaning, so that we can move forward” or “This is what I heard you say...Did I understand that correctly or where have I fallen short?” We have to remember that everyone communicates differently. Make sure to also ask questions that allow you to dive deeper into another’s perspective. Follow up with a question that allows someone to expand or reflect on what they just shared. For example, ask “You mentioned this point. Can you tell me more about that experience or feeling and its impact on you?” or “Can you tell me how you arrived at that perspective or belief?” A healthy and productive dialogue includes intentional clarification and questions to understand.
Silence
It’s important to remember that we don’t always have to rush a response. Rushing can lead to unintentional slights or misinterpretations. I often see in discussions that someone tries to shut down another person by saying, “That’s what I thought. See, you can’t think of anything to say.” Before giving a response, it is prudent to give or ask someone for a moment to process and reflect new information. That practice checks our own pride of not wanting to be perceived as inferior or unintelligent. Be patient as it can prolong a conversation, but remember that allowing the gift of silence allows for deeper contemplation and inquiry to take place.
Focus
Have you ever tried having a conversation when you’re exhausted, preoccupied, or stressed? How does it influence your attitude or approach? In my experience, I run the risk of not being the most patient or charitable person under those circumstances. For example, I have had conversations that have happened late at night when I am extremely tired. I talked in circles, said things I didn’t mean, and my responses became very emotionally charged. Taking a break and going back to the discussion rested, I was always amazed at how quickly an issue or misunderstanding was resolved and forgiven. I learned that it is so important to set up an environment that allows you to focus so that you can accurately speak and hear. It may involve asking someone if you can continue the conversation after your children are in bed, getting sleep, eating something, or finishing homework. You can ask to set up a designated time to communicate or ask for patience with your response.
Nonverbal Signals
I understand this one can be challenging for many, and I include myself. Nonverbal cues are just as important as verbal cues. I’m convinced it’s one of the reasons why online conversations can take a negative turn. We are unable to decipher someone’s tone, body language, and eye contact--which are important to showing attentiveness and care. When you are speaking with someone in person, try to refrain from postures or expressions that are disrespectful and can hurt another person. For example, practice not scoffing or rolling your eyes (or even sending that emoji). Those can be taken as cues that we have stopped wanting to listen, that we have already made our judgments, and that we don’t care. Instead, try the other techniques mentioned to get to the root of what you are feeling or where the other person was coming from. Your frustration or annoyance can be based on a complete misunderstanding. It could also be an indicator that you need to step away from the conversation for a moment to process or refocus.
Exploration and Reflection
Conversations can be hard and challenging. We have emotions, passions, and strong opinions. We can get angry, frustrated, or impatient. We can get hurt. It’s important that we don’t ignore or push aside those feelings for the sake of appearing “holy” or “charitable.” The greatest of saints experienced deep emotions. Instead, we have a responsibility to explore what we are experiencing in our own hearts and reflect on what we may need healing from. I once read that pain that is not transformed is often transmitted. We must understand how our pain can affect how we treat and communicate with others. We are not going to handle conversations perfectly, but we can remain aware and keep trying to do better. Give yourself grace in trying to navigate difficult conversations. If one went well or bad, take it as an opportunity to reflect, learn, and grow from it.
Offering of Self
God offers Himself to us. He remains present to our fears, failings, joys, and searching. He wants to hear our hearts and lead us to an encounter with Him. He desires to share with us the fullness of truth. From His nature and example, shouldn’t we extend this encounter to others?
CCC 1878 mentions: “All men are called to the same end: God himself. There is a certain resemblance between the union of the divine persons and the fraternity that men are to establish among themselves in truth and love. Love of neighbor is inseparable from love for God.” CCC 1879 further explains: “Through the exchange with others, mutual service and dialogue with his brethren, man develops his potential; he thus responds to his vocation.”
We all have different talents, virtues, and graces from God to give to the world. No person has it all. Therefore we need each other to develop our physical and spiritual lives. We cannot do this without offering ourselves and Christ’s love as a gift. We can give another our time and presence and cultivate our ability to listen, understand, and forgive. No matter how difficult the conversation may be, we must embrace a desire to journey towards and uncover truth together.